1,000 days sober

Insights from an alcoholic in recovery on my comma day (in no particular order.)

I never thought I would get here.

Life itself doesn’t get better without alcohol. It still often sucks big time, but in sobriety, I’ve grown more capacity and found tools to deal with it.

Life inconveniences do not magically disappear. People, as well as their kids and pets, get sick, things get broken and stolen, trains get delayed, favorite pants get stained, and the last bite of the favorite cake falls on the floor. But neither of those requires drinking. Drinking never helped, for what I know, it only made things worse. 

I have learned to tell things I can control from the ones I can’t, so I spend my energy on the former, and instead of trying to fix the latter, I accept them and move on.

Alcohol was drinking me, too. It consumed my time, my energy, my focus, and my money. I kept wanting to do stuff, but now I have the resources to actually do it. 

When in active addiction, alcohol was filling my days and nights. Drinking on the beach, on a walk, while reading, while drawing, while walking the dog, in an airport, on a plane, you name it. Every picture, selfie or not, had a wine glass in it. And I made sure to make my life seem adventurous and hedonistic.

Now, however, it is that indeed: adventurous and hedonistic. I started travelling a lot, which I had zero energy and resources for. I got a second dog. I run several races per season. My shelves are filling up with books. I grew my Instagram almost twice, got my bookings sorted out months in advance, and launched a website.  

I am not afraid to go to bed anymore, as I am actually excited about my tomorrows now - I love each and every one of them.

I didn’t know who I was, and alcohol was a distraction from finding out. Everything was messy and painful, and drinking helped cover it up and numb it. 

After I got sober, I realized that life is unbearably loud, and I am barely handling myself. I started looking into it and got diagnosed with ADHD. Also, at the age of 38, I finally came out as a lesbian. 

It was a painful journey of self-discovery, and it’s still ongoing, with a lot of things having to be explored and processed, but I feel that I am finally at home in my own skin, looking at my reflection soberly, pun intended.

Stopping drinking doesn’t equal getting sober. Sobriety takes time and a lot of inner work. When alcohol was pushed out of the picture, I had to tackle other vices, too: smoking, compulsive (binge) eating, looking for a non-fitting relationship that was expected to fix me, and being a people pleaser (not to please anyone but not being able to sit in the discomfort of saying no). 

From how I see it, any addiction or destructive behaviour comes, among other things, from us not being able to be present in our lives and sit in discomfort. Instead of accepting the fact that life is hard sometimes, allowing ourselves to be properly angry, sad, frustrated, scared, exhausted and annoyed, we are looking for (quick) solutions, and for some of us, those solutions turn into addictions and/or behavioural patterns. It’s ironic that we call them quick fixes, as they don’t actually fix anything.

I thought quitting drinking was a one way ticket to the forever doom and gloom, and I would be healthy but would never be happy again. In reality, it was the golden ticket to the life I couldn’t have even imagined for myself. And it’s only the beginning. 

People who have not experienced addiction are prone to say that we, alcoholics, choose alcohol, preferring it over relationships, career, health etc. But this is not the choice we make, not at all. See, alcoholics choose between using and abstaining. And yes, even though we know that drinking will keep us in this cycle, that we will get back to square one, that it will hurt, that we will make fools of ourselves, we know, trust me, we do, drinking feels familiar, safe even. Abstaining, however, promises pain, agony, withdrawal, misery. 

An alcoholic in active addiction can’t, isn’t able to imagine how sobriety, real sobriety, will feel like. We don’t have that in our color palette, it’s not comprehensible. We only can predict what we know, and the only thing we know is pain. 

Therefore, agreeing to get sober, I was agreeing to being unhappy forever. Apparently, I just needed to wait until true sobriety revealed itself. I gave it time, trust, and gratitude, and it turned out to be so good that I wouldn’t have believed it unless I got here myself.

Alcohol is the biggest liar and cheater. It tells us we need it to have fun, to be creative, to be spontaneous and to build connections. In reality, it steals from us and drains us until we have nothing left apart from the bottle.

We don’t need alcohol for either of those things. You can only party when you drink? You can only go on dates if drinks are included? Do you know what it means? It means that you are forcing things on yourself that you can’t tolerate unless you're under the influence. No judgment, trust me, I have been through this. 

Apparently, I don’t need a lot of things I have been allowing to happen. I do not need late nights, I do not need bars, concerts, parties, at least most of those. And, as it turned out, I also don’t need men. But I could have tolerated them if drunk. 

Now though, I feel like I only do what I really want to. Freedom doesn’t taste like Moët & Chandon, it tastes like Cola Zero. 

I can achieve anything I set my mind to. Quitting drinking was the hardest thing I have ever done, and if I managed, there’s nothing else I can’t deal with. 

My mom says she is worried sometimes that if something really bad happens, like, really really bad, I might get back to drinking. But the thing is, there is no need anymore. I know I can deal with anything sober, and much better, actually. I will probably cry, and be grumpy, and annoyed, and my best friend will receive hours worth of voice notes, I might even ask for an emergency therapy session, or two, but I will get through whatever it will be. 

Also, if I could do it, so can you. I promise.

I used to believe sober people were boring and weird. Which I know now is true. But I would now call it “in peace” and “comfortable being themselves”. 

Oh yes, I was making fun of sober people. If that were you, I apologize. I was always the one with a reason to drink and with a stomach to handle all the alcohol available. I would always want more, and I would always find a way to get more. Now I can honestly say that I envied them. The ones who were comfortable enough not to drink, to go to bed early, to choose peace.

I do that now, too, and I am gravitating towards the ones who are the same. And if that comes off boring to anyone? Fine by me.

Alcohol is useless but it has an army of passionate defenders who would fight for it because we have normalized it so much that it has become a necessary attribute of celebrations, intimacy, mourning and hedonism. However, every 20th death in this world is somehow connected to alcohol. 

There is no safe amount of alcohol, ever, at all. The risk of developing addiction or ruining your health starts from the first sip. Doesn’t matter what alcohol, doesn’t matter what brand. 

Alcohol doesn’t give anything, it doesn’t add anything to our lives. It’s legal though, and it is everywhere. And it always will be. But so will we. Sober people. I am here for you if you need me.

Sobriety is worth everything. 

If you struggle with alcohol - ask for help. Reach out to whoever you feel comfortable, any step is the first step. You only got one life, don’t let alcohol live it for you.